To Sleep, Perchance

I had a dream last night that involved a baby. More specifically, it involved a baby on a roof. And, in defense of my skills as a potential parent, I was able to recognize that this was a bad combination.

Sign of the Times

To discourage drivers from speeding through my neighborhood, one of the neighbors has posted her 8-year old on the lawn in a folding chair, next to a sign that says "Caution: Children at Play." I suppose the "Caution: Children at Sit" sign was insufficiently menacing.

My new favorite sentence on the entire Internet

"Rocco was traveling west on Lincoln Road East in the early morning hours of July 29, 2005, when she collided with a Black Angus bull."

Who. . .

I will not tell you what I just found while cleaning out my trunk. I will, however, say that if there was a show called "CSI: Vegetables," I would have a good case for their season premiere.

The Brain Wants What the Brain Wants

Have you ever walked around your house on autopilot and then, gaining awareness, realized that what you were actually doing was singing the word "coffee" over and over to the Batman theme song? No. Um. . . me neither. I was just checking.

Misguided

I just colored my hair using $4 hair dye I bought at Big Lots. Having not watched a lot of I Love Lucy or other sitcom farce, I feel like my answers to "What's the worst that could happen?" are distressingly naive.

On Not Breathing Well

(I wrote this a while ago, but given the recent onset of coughingdeathvirus, I decided to repost).

A counselor from the health insurance company called me a few days ago to discuss my asthma. She also sent me a booklet of questions and answers for (really dumb) asthmatics. A sample question: "Dear insurance company, I keep forgetting to take my medicine. What should I do?" Helpful advice: "Put the medicine where you will see it". Other titles in the series include "Ow, Quit It. Ow, Quit It: What to Do When You Can't Stop Hitting Yourself" and "You Put the Thingy-Thing in the Hoo-Ha: A Beginner's Guide to Fertility."

Anyway, on the advice of the counselor and the booklet, I am to develop a written "asthma action plan" with my doctor. I have constructed a draft to review during my next physical.

SARAH'S ASTHMA ACTION PLAN:

Step 1: Have asthma attack
Step 2: Vehemently deny that I am having an asthma attack and continue watching television crime show or cartoon.
Step 3: Continue having asthma attack.
Step 4: Rouse ass from couch and get inhaler.
Step 5: Curse about having to use inhaler. Use the "F" word at least twice.
Step 6: Take first dose of inhaler
Step 7: Gag. (Have you ever TASTED an asthma inhaler? It's like Jager and brake fluid)
Step 8: Curse parents' faulty genes for causing my asthma. Decide to give them crappier Christmas presents.
Step 9: Take second dose of inhaler.
Step 10: Fall asleep and lose inhaler in couch.
Step 11: If not dead, go to step 1.