This will go on my permanent record

Yes, I know this is not an orchid.

I believe I am in the process of killing an orchid. Those of you with a social conscience should report me to whatever authority you deem appropriate.

: (

Sad to report three rescuing-Timmy-from-the-well-related accidents during preview performances of "Lassie: Turn off the Bark."

One Can Only Assume

I had a call from Ontario, Canada on my phone. I missed the call, and they did not leave a voicemail. I'm going to make the logical assumption: that Alan Thicke, Nickelback, and the 1983 cast of "You Can't Do That On Television" gathered together for a conference call to wish me luck with the presentation I'm doing this morning.

Salmon are from Mars. .

I bet the auditory similarity between the phrase "for reals" and the phrase "for eels" has caused many an awkward misunderstanding in the marine community.

Why I Can't Wait to Have Children

Parent 1: What do you want to do today?


Parent 2: I dunno. What do you want to do today?


Parent 1: Movies?


Parent 2: Nah. Nothing good out.


Parent 1: Zoo?


Parent 2: Too hot.


Parent 1: Hey! I know! Do you still have that giant poo ball in the backyard?


Parent 2: Yeah. Why?



(I couldn't decide whether to go with the dialogue or an ad for Ronco "Ball o' Poo.")

I've Had Nothing Yet, So I Can't Take More

The unintended consequences of having one household member who abjectly refuses to watch TV news


Me: Tell me about the Tea Party? What exactly do they stand for? No taxation without representation?

Him: Sort of. .

Me: From the king?

Him: Not exactly. They think government has gotten too big.

Me: They don’t like fat people?

Him: Um. . no.

Me: So, how do they feel about iced tea? Are they ok with that?

Him: Yes, but only in the summer.

Me: How about t-shirts? Do they have an official party line on those?

Him: T-shirts are ok, although they prefer the red, white, or blue variety.

Me: How about Lake Titicaca?

Him: They do not object to Lake Titicaca, but they say there are perfectly fine lakes in America that we should consider first.

Me: T-bone steak?

Him: That’s a fine American cut.

Me: But mostly they really like drinking tea?

Him: Yup. That’s pretty much it (and then he just kind of made a resigned sighing noise)

Sometimes a Cigar

Two days ago, one of the cats left a single poop on the floor of our living room. Spouse and I have both seen it, but I think we're both being stubborn and therefore are both waiting for the other person to pick it up.

If I ever write a novel, I will use this as a metaphor for SOMETHING.