Wednesday, April 28, 2010

On Not Breathing Well

(I wrote this a while ago, but given the recent onset of coughingdeathvirus, I decided to repost).

A counselor from the health insurance company called me a few days ago to discuss my asthma. She also sent me a booklet of questions and answers for (really dumb) asthmatics. A sample question: "Dear insurance company, I keep forgetting to take my medicine. What should I do?" Helpful advice: "Put the medicine where you will see it". Other titles in the series include "Ow, Quit It. Ow, Quit It: What to Do When You Can't Stop Hitting Yourself" and "You Put the Thingy-Thing in the Hoo-Ha: A Beginner's Guide to Fertility."

Anyway, on the advice of the counselor and the booklet, I am to develop a written "asthma action plan" with my doctor. I have constructed a draft to review during my next physical.


Step 1: Have asthma attack
Step 2: Vehemently deny that I am having an asthma attack and continue watching television crime show or cartoon.
Step 3: Continue having asthma attack.
Step 4: Rouse ass from couch and get inhaler.
Step 5: Curse about having to use inhaler. Use the "F" word at least twice.
Step 6: Take first dose of inhaler
Step 7: Gag. (Have you ever TASTED an asthma inhaler? It's like Jager and brake fluid)
Step 8: Curse parents' faulty genes for causing my asthma. Decide to give them crappier Christmas presents.
Step 9: Take second dose of inhaler.
Step 10: Fall asleep and lose inhaler in couch.
Step 11: If not dead, go to step 1.


  1. Thanks for a fun filled romp through asthma and I surely hope you're feeling better soon because if you're this clever when you're sick the world should surely tremble at your awesomocity.

  2. I've never had an asthma problem, but my Dad did. I can't imagine how scary it would be. Way to keep a sense of humor about it.