Wednesday, April 28, 2010

On Not Breathing Well

(I wrote this a while ago, but given the recent onset of coughingdeathvirus, I decided to repost).

A counselor from the health insurance company called me a few days ago to discuss my asthma. She also sent me a booklet of questions and answers for (really dumb) asthmatics. A sample question: "Dear insurance company, I keep forgetting to take my medicine. What should I do?" Helpful advice: "Put the medicine where you will see it". Other titles in the series include "Ow, Quit It. Ow, Quit It: What to Do When You Can't Stop Hitting Yourself" and "You Put the Thingy-Thing in the Hoo-Ha: A Beginner's Guide to Fertility."

Anyway, on the advice of the counselor and the booklet, I am to develop a written "asthma action plan" with my doctor. I have constructed a draft to review during my next physical.


Step 1: Have asthma attack
Step 2: Vehemently deny that I am having an asthma attack and continue watching television crime show or cartoon.
Step 3: Continue having asthma attack.
Step 4: Rouse ass from couch and get inhaler.
Step 5: Curse about having to use inhaler. Use the "F" word at least twice.
Step 6: Take first dose of inhaler
Step 7: Gag. (Have you ever TASTED an asthma inhaler? It's like Jager and brake fluid)
Step 8: Curse parents' faulty genes for causing my asthma. Decide to give them crappier Christmas presents.
Step 9: Take second dose of inhaler.
Step 10: Fall asleep and lose inhaler in couch.
Step 11: If not dead, go to step 1.