Saturday, November 27, 2010

Salmon are from Mars. .

I bet the auditory similarity between the phrase "for reals" and the phrase "for eels" has caused many an awkward misunderstanding in the marine community.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Why I Can't Wait to Have Children

Parent 1: What do you want to do today?

Parent 2: I dunno. What do you want to do today?

Parent 1: Movies?

Parent 2: Nah. Nothing good out.

Parent 1: Zoo?

Parent 2: Too hot.

Parent 1: Hey! I know! Do you still have that giant poo ball in the backyard?

Parent 2: Yeah. Why?

(I couldn't decide whether to go with the dialogue or an ad for Ronco "Ball o' Poo.")

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I've Had Nothing Yet, So I Can't Take More

The unintended consequences of having one household member who abjectly refuses to watch TV news

Me: Tell me about the Tea Party? What exactly do they stand for? No taxation without representation?

Him: Sort of. .

Me: From the king?

Him: Not exactly. They think government has gotten too big.

Me: They don’t like fat people?

Him: Um. . no.

Me: So, how do they feel about iced tea? Are they ok with that?

Him: Yes, but only in the summer.

Me: How about t-shirts? Do they have an official party line on those?

Him: T-shirts are ok, although they prefer the red, white, or blue variety.

Me: How about Lake Titicaca?

Him: They do not object to Lake Titicaca, but they say there are perfectly fine lakes in America that we should consider first.

Me: T-bone steak?

Him: That’s a fine American cut.

Me: But mostly they really like drinking tea?

Him: Yup. That’s pretty much it (and then he just kind of made a resigned sighing noise)

Sometimes a Cigar

Two days ago, one of the cats left a single poop on the floor of our living room. Spouse and I have both seen it, but I think we're both being stubborn and therefore are both waiting for the other person to pick it up.

If I ever write a novel, I will use this as a metaphor for SOMETHING.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

To Sleep, Perchance

I had a dream last night that involved a baby. More specifically, it involved a baby on a roof. And, in defense of my skills as a potential parent, I was able to recognize that this was a bad combination.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Sign of the Times

To discourage drivers from speeding through my neighborhood, one of the neighbors has posted her 8-year old on the lawn in a folding chair, next to a sign that says "Caution: Children at Play." I suppose the "Caution: Children at Sit" sign was insufficiently menacing.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My new favorite sentence on the entire Internet

"Rocco was traveling west on Lincoln Road East in the early morning hours of July 29, 2005, when she collided with a Black Angus bull."

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Who. . .

I will not tell you what I just found while cleaning out my trunk. I will, however, say that if there was a show called "CSI: Vegetables," I would have a good case for their season premiere.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Brain Wants What the Brain Wants

Have you ever walked around your house on autopilot and then, gaining awareness, realized that what you were actually doing was singing the word "coffee" over and over to the Batman theme song? No. Um. . . me neither. I was just checking.

Saturday, June 5, 2010


I just colored my hair using $4 hair dye I bought at Big Lots. Having not watched a lot of I Love Lucy or other sitcom farce, I feel like my answers to "What's the worst that could happen?" are distressingly naive.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

On Not Breathing Well

(I wrote this a while ago, but given the recent onset of coughingdeathvirus, I decided to repost).

A counselor from the health insurance company called me a few days ago to discuss my asthma. She also sent me a booklet of questions and answers for (really dumb) asthmatics. A sample question: "Dear insurance company, I keep forgetting to take my medicine. What should I do?" Helpful advice: "Put the medicine where you will see it". Other titles in the series include "Ow, Quit It. Ow, Quit It: What to Do When You Can't Stop Hitting Yourself" and "You Put the Thingy-Thing in the Hoo-Ha: A Beginner's Guide to Fertility."

Anyway, on the advice of the counselor and the booklet, I am to develop a written "asthma action plan" with my doctor. I have constructed a draft to review during my next physical.


Step 1: Have asthma attack
Step 2: Vehemently deny that I am having an asthma attack and continue watching television crime show or cartoon.
Step 3: Continue having asthma attack.
Step 4: Rouse ass from couch and get inhaler.
Step 5: Curse about having to use inhaler. Use the "F" word at least twice.
Step 6: Take first dose of inhaler
Step 7: Gag. (Have you ever TASTED an asthma inhaler? It's like Jager and brake fluid)
Step 8: Curse parents' faulty genes for causing my asthma. Decide to give them crappier Christmas presents.
Step 9: Take second dose of inhaler.
Step 10: Fall asleep and lose inhaler in couch.
Step 11: If not dead, go to step 1.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

14 Years After Harry Met Sally

"Yes, I want an anniversary present, but please don't buy me anything expensive. We just spent a lot of money on flooring."

Sunday, March 21, 2010


ME: I found a picture of me from college!!

HIM: You look so sad.

ME: Well, I was really sad that year.

How To. . . .

Recent find in paper decluttering project: A set of "Fashion Tipes" from one of the 2nd graders in my previous afterschool program. I have left the spelling differences in out of respect for those of you who read fluent second grader.

Fashion Tipes

1. Gold glider dress.

2. Cirl hair.

3. Don't were head-band (note: this explains why I had few dates from 4th - 6th grades)

4. Were highth heals (and this explains 7th grade - adulthood)

5. No hair exesaries. (Seriously, how does my husband even bear to LOOK at me???)

6. Glider showes. (Honestly, I have no idea what this one means)

7. Go next to him real close. (Ok. I actually used to do this one, but I'm sure all of my hair exesaries couldn't overcome the power of this).

8. Try to kiss him. (Sure, Ms. 2nd Grade Smartypants, but YOU don't have to worry about sexual harassment suits).

On the B-side of the paper, there are "Mack Up Tipes"

1. White bloush.

2. Purpple eye shadow.

3. Try to dance with him. (not technically a Mack Up Tipe, but who am I to argue semantics with a 7-year old)

4. Ackt prity. (and thus legions of expired feminists roll over in their graves)

5. White blush all over your face (note the dual emphasis on the white blush / bloush. Obviously, men are into kabuki artists)

6. Try to do the walts.

7. Do love (!)

8. Dance slowly.

And there ya go. For those of you who are female and still single, I hope you find this handy. Also, according to the bottom of the page, Maya hearts Fernando. I just thought you should know.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Self-Esteem is Important

I'm excited to see that 11 people follow my infrequently-updated blog (10, really, since I accidentally followed myself). It's comforting to know that if I published a book and gave it away for free (preferably by mailing it directly to people's houses), at least 10 other people would maybe read it (or at least use it to prop up a piece of furniture).

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Actual Household Conversation

Me: Do you like how I'm storing my earrings now?

Him: Yes. Totally organized.

Me: I KNOW! I think this was my best idea yet. Well, this and graduate school.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

How can you mourn for the loss of something that was never really yours in the first place?

Six Word Story

He loved her. Then he didn't.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Six Words

Cameras don't belong at the beach.

Face it. You'll never be tall.

Trust people. They're not so bad.

Life is wonderful and totally weird.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Difference

Love is the cat who opens the bathroom door while you're in there because he needs to see you RIGHT NOW.

True love is the husband standing 10 feet in front of the bathroom door who pretends not to notice that it's open and then never speaks of it again.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


Just got an enormous craving for green apple Jolly Ranchers while trying to overcome latest bout of social anxiety. Soon the transformation to my 7th grade self will be complete! (insert maniacal laughter here)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Words of Wisdom

Consumer Reports suggests replacing your mattress after 5 years. Ours is 30 years old, so we will be buying 6 new ones.